Due to a freak occurrence, a new gas-virus named Cactian Superfluous is spreading with great speed across America.

This is due to an unnamed individual from Florida who was reported to be eating Heinz Baked Beans mixed with Hidden Valley Ranch dressing, an old college sweatshirt and an assortment of other garbage found in a plant nursery, including cacti. This gourmet monstrosity of a creation was eaten, which created a deadly virus.

As a prominent scientist man, also known as Mr. Dr. Science Guy, stated, “This is ridiculous. I’ve never heard of that. I would never believe anything like that.”

It should be noted that, during the interview, Mr. Dr. Science Guy repeatedly kept hiding his hands, which definitely looked green and pointy.

I then proceeded to ask one man on the internet who wished to remain anonymous, but allowed me to disclose his username, Ladiesman425FedoraManLover. After every interview question, he responded, “M’lady,” and then proceeded to bow his head and tip his fedora. This was quite odd, as I identified myself as a man to him at the beginning of the interview.

“This is not a virus; it is a deadly gas. Not deadly in the sense of killing you; it just so happens that it turns people into cactuses,” Ladiesman425FedoraManLover said.

There is still some debate as to what this exactly means, as the symptoms have been reported to range quite extensively. Some people appear to be quite affected by this gas-virus, turning into literal cacti. The types of cacti that people turn into range extensively.

Purportedly, when someone is turned into a cactus, their clothes remain and a single cactus is left inside of the pile of cloth. Many people have questioned whether once a person is turned if they have a pot underneath them. They do not. They are just a naked cactus without dirt.

If your loved one has been turned into a cactus, botanists and most Wiccans suggest getting a clay pot and some healthy soil and putting your loved one in a window with lots of sunlight.

A student who once took a botany class but is now a finance major but is thinking about switching degrees again said, “I don’t know what major I’m going to pick, honestly. Oh yeah, with plants, talk to them, play their favorite music and stuff, they seem to like that,” he said. (I never asked him if he went to Weber State. Should I have done that?)

Others are not as affected by this gas-virus. Some are reported to still maintain a humanoid form and only have the skin of a cactus. They end up looking like a green cactus monster with a green exterior. Yikes.

One online user named ImDefinitelyNotAHorse23 suggested injecting yourself with horse antiparasitic as a preventative measure. This solution has not been recommended by anyone else.

There has been some controversy surrounding a woman whose boyfriend was turned into a cactus.

She brought him to the desert on a picnic and “accidentally dropped him,” she reported. “I couldn’t find him, though I didn’t really look that hard.”

This event is stirring up quite a bit of controversy in online forums (that definitely exist — you just didn’t look hard enough). Some people say she didn’t lose him, and she did it on purpose. The hashtag #girlboss is currently trending with photos of cacti being crossed out.

If your loved one has been turned into a cactus, there is no need to worry. There is a cure, but people are still hesitant to use it.

The biggest hesitation are the following questions regarding the ethics of the cure, like, if we put this cure on non-human cactuses, will that make them human and give them life? Does this answer the question of if plants have souls? If plants have souls, are vegetarians bad people for eating something with some semblance of sentience? What will we eat if everything has a soul? Do rocks have souls? Is panpsychism actually a thing now?

Most importantly, and hypothetically speaking, of course, if I ate a cactus, and it was once my loved one, is that considered cannibalism? It wouldn’t be practical; I’m just curious.

If you or a loved one has been turned into a cactus, please let us know.