Allergies cause zombie-like behavior

We have all had this at one time or another: springtime flare-ups (of allergies). If there is one thing that can make me regret the day, it’s these Utah trees blossoming and sending my body into histamine chaos.

Every year it’s the same thing: stuffy nose, sneezing, headaches and agoraphobia. Well, the agoraphobia is not so much fear of the sun, but fear of the bees carrying pollen around the neighborhood, which I’m not sure there is a medical term for . . .

How do I overcome these allergies? I have yet to find a way. So my journey today is to find all the “cures” for my allergy symptoms as recommended by brilliant doctors like the Oz fellow or Oprah.

There are traditional medications like Claritin or Allegra, but these usually make me tired along with my usual symptoms, and so should have “zombie-like side effects” written on the bottle.

My search has led me to the Dr. Oz (is he like the wizard? Wonder if he grants wishes . . . ) website with a video on “How to Survive the Worst Allergy Season Ever.” Wow, this must be good with guaranteed allergy fixes.

I am fascinated with the Allegra commercial preceding the video by Dr. Oz. Apparently, if I take enough Allegra, I can magically afford a convertible while suffering with allergies. Man, that must be a magic pill. Anyway, Dr. Oz’s expert witnesses say that the allergies are caused by Mother Nature being overly active. Makes sense. I see her running on my street all the time!

Apparently, ragweed when crushed up and sniffed — oh wait, brewed — is hard hitting on itchy, watery eyes. It must be the rag drying it all up. Oh, apparently it treats hives when used as a facial treatment. I will put that on my to-do list for the day (post-graduation) when I can afford a facial.

Another interesting remedy is a cold potato slice over the eyes. I have never had to reduce puffiness around my eyes, but I wonder if it would reduce puffiness around my stomach. That is for another day. I will have to try this if my allergies ever give me puffy eyes.

The third-most useful remedy I found through the great Oz was using black pepper and sesame oil to fight congestion. Apparently, if you mix sesame oil and large amounts of black pepper together and then smear it under your nose, your sinuses will clear. I never would have thought that pepper makes someone’s nose react, but it sure does make me sneeze. So if I want to be congestion-free, I just need to walk around with pepper on my face.

Maybe I will have better luck with Oprah.

When Googling the words “Oprah” and “allergies,” many links come up with my favorite Dr. Oz as the expert. I must say, I was a bit sad that even Oprah had been under the spell of the Great and Powerful.

On the air with Oprah, Dr. Oz said that neti pots are the key to sinus pressure. I am a little bit horrified, because neti pots are a microbiology nightmare. There have been a few cases in the U.S. where people have used neti pots with tap water and gotten a brain-eating amoeba. He should have at least told them to boil the water first or use distilled water.

Anyways, my two experts have failed me with helpful remedies for my allergies.

I think this allergy season, since “Claritin Clear” is out of the question, I will just get over it and walk around like a zombie until the beginning of May. But I probably will do this anyway, since it’s the last month of school and I’m feeling rather “zombie-ish” in my classes.