The Bungle Years: Destination Destitution

I’ll do just about anything for money. The thing I love most about life, other than my dear sweet wife, is money. Is there really anything in this world better? Just think about it. What causes the most happiness? What forges the most friendships? What is it that lifts those who are down? What brightens any frown? Money.

As my wife and I were checking out at the grocery store, I looked at our cart and asked, “Why is there only potatoes and Great Value SpaghettiOs in the cart?”

“It’s because we’re running low on money,” my wife responded.

I can stand being low on many things. The battery on my phone dies almost every day (it’s a great excuse to ignore phone calls from relatives). Sometimes I let my fuel get so low that I have to put my car into neutral and coast down to my apartment (luckily, Weber State is at the top of a hill). I run so low on clean clothes that by the time I do my laundry, my cleanest outfit is a pair of swim trunks and my D.A.R.E. shirt. I am willing to be low on almost anything, but I will stop at nothing to make sure I never run low on money. I would possibly even be willing to get a job.

Searching for a job as a college student is interesting. You see all kinds of advertisements for student jobs. It can be hard determining what a good job is and what is too good to be true, so let me interpret for you.

“Flexible schedule!” means “you need to be flexible with your schedule.” I had a prospective employer tell me, “Sure, you can take any Saturday that you need off. You just have to work four Sundays in a row to make up for it.”

“Great for students!” means “only desperate people apply for this job.”

“High commission rates!” means “low base pay, if any.”

“All majors considered!” means “we want you to think this is applicable to your chosen field. Enjoy the weak resume, loser!”

So far, the job hunt hasn’t been fruitful. So, in the meantime, I figured I needed to find a way to make some money to last us until I found steady work. I sat on the couch, thinking of how this could be done. As I looked around our cramped apartment, I thought to myself, “I should buy and sell merchandise online.”

It was a great way to surprise my wife when she came home from class. “Surprise! I filled two thirds of our living room with boxes of cheap crap! Isn’t it great?”

Some people say I should feel bad about starting a big project like this without first consulting my wife, but I don’t. She’ll get me back. I know someday I will come home and say, “Why are you building a crib?”

As surefire as this online merchandise seems, I still really want to find a good job. So if you see me on campus and you know of somebody who is hiring, please stop me and let me know. Unless I am wearing swim trunks and my D.A.R.E. shirt, because that means I need to go do laundry.