Before Facebook, we thought our friends’ personalities were diverse and complex. And when we first opened our accounts, we could barely pace ourselves as to our status updates because the possibilities of what to say seemed endless.

Three hundred friends later, we started to lose interest in both posting status updates and checking those of our friends, because it seems approximately 10 people remain active on it, albeit under many different names. Next time you are staring blearily at your Facebook page, vaguely addicted but at a loss as to how to entertain yourself with it, see how far down your home page you get before a pattern forms and you realize you’re seeing the same statuses from different people.

Exhibit A (The Mysterious Attention-Fisher)

Average status update: #*@$ you I am beautiful and I don’t need u to tell me that. I don’t hate you I wish you the best but I want to say you are a big fat a*$hole for doing this to me!! You let me down and have lost me forever, was it worth it??

Comments: u ok sweetie? I’m always here if u need to talk! call me

You ARE beautiful. Anyone who doesn’t see that is not worth your time! You are a strong, amazing, BEAUTIFUL person and you deserve the best from your . . . lovers? friends? co-workers…? Whoever has hurt you does not deserve your company. You can talk to me about anything! Love you!

??

sorry what happened

Megan ill call you I don’t want to talk about it on here.

Exhibit B (The One-Track Mind)

Average status update: 67 more days to go! Oh I am so excited!! Tomorrow there will be only 66 days to go!!!!

Comments: Yay! I’m excited for you!

Congrats thats awesome

What’s happening in 67 days?? lol j/k! Sooo excited for you!

YAY!

Exhibit C (The Bright-Eyed Bore)

Average status update: Just came home from the store, got fresh strawberries yummy! Now to try my hand at sweet potato souffle. Wish me luck!

Comments: Good luck!

YUM! So hungry!

You are so cute! Just wanted to tell you I love ya! We need to hang out again soon. 

Oh I love sweet potato souffle! Yours will be great, don’t worry! Tip: It’s best if you use bean puree instead of sugar!   

Mmm! Let us know how it goes!

Thanks guys! I’m excited!

Exhibit D (The Gamer)

Average status update: _________ has found a baby cow and needs food for it! Send a gift.

Comments:

Exhibit E (The Witty Observer)

Average status update: The lady at the next table is putting enough sweetener in her coffee to give a walrus cancer.

Comments: Artificial sweeteners are poison. They should be illegal. I have a link you might be interested in: www.outlawsweeteners.com

LOL, you rule. Call me. 

Ugh! I never put that stuff in my coffee. That’s sick!

Fake sugar ftw

Exhibit F (The Practical User)

Average status update: My uncle is selling his land for a very reasonable price. If anyone is interested, let me know. I have pictures on my blog. Or go to his website: www.ranchsteals.com

Comments: Sorry I can’t. Good luck though!

Hope you find someone!

Hey I found that youtube vid with the cat eating a beach ball, ill send it to you