In a last-ditch effort for this column to be somewhat culturally relevant, I decided to hop on the bandwagon and write about “Twilight.”

Now, I have never read nor seen any of the “Twilight” books or movies, but I thought to myself, “Why not report on something I know nothing about? Cable news does it every day!”

I never read any of the “Harry Potter” books either. I am glad I never did, because every time I was leaving the theater after seeing a new “Potter” flick, I would overhear nothing but a bunch of whiny know-it-alls complaining that the movie wasn’t as good as the book.

I don’t get these people. If you are going to be disappointed by the movie because it doesn’t live up to the book, then you probably shouldn’t read the book. Movies tickets are expensive nowadays, and you don’t want to cheapen the theatrical experience by frittering away your time reading. At least, that’s what my mother taught me.

It seems like the only reason they even write books is to advertise for the movie that’s going to come out about the book. Take, for example, the Bible. I’d bet you anything that, had the Bible not been written, “The Passion of the Christ” and “The Ten Commandments” would have bombed worse than the fourth “Indiana Jones” movie (which, coincidentally, was not based off of a book).

I wonder if this formula applies to other aspects of life. If basing a movie off of a book is the key to having a successful movie, then maybe basing a job application off of a book would mean getting the job? Perhaps I could submit a job application as a choose-your-own-adventure book.

“It was a dark time for Pizza Hut. Their delivery boy had recently fallen victim to college graduation and was forced by his new wife, against his will, to get a ‘real job.’

“Pizzas were stacking up around the store by the hundreds, because there was nobody to deliver them to the hungry citizens of Ogden City. What is a Pizza Hut manager to do in such perilous times?”

To hire Isaac Thomas as the new delivery boy, turn to Page 53. To hope and pray for some other form of miracle, turn to Page 79.

(Page 53) Isaac Thomas courageously steps into his new position as delivery boy, relieving thousands of Ogden City’s hungriest occupants from suffering the slow and agonizingly painful death of starvation. Innocent lives are spared and, even more importantly, Pizza Hut is saved. Mayor Caldwell awards the key to the city to the Pizza Hut manager for his wise decision of hiring Isaac Thomas. Pizza Hut is forever indebted to Isaac’s selfless service.

(Page 79) Due to no pizzas being delivered, innocent lives are lost as the city’s pizza supply continues to go undelivered. Pizza Hut’s convenient location on Harrison Boulevard becomes so full of pizzas that its management and staff are suffocated and burned by the pileup of cooked pizzas. The remains of the Pizza Hut are discovered by archaeologists 2,000 years later. Historians liken the findings unto the findings of the destroyed ancient city of Pompeii. The only remnant of people found is the outline of a store manager trying to protect a small child from being burned by the explosion of melted cheese.