It now has been two weeks since I’ve been married. With the wedding (thankfully) over, my new wife and I were very excited to go on our honeymoon. Luckily for me, my wife is partly Hawaiian and even has some family living there. A Hawaiian honeymoon seemed like the natural choice.

I sometimes felt bad telling people that we were going to go to Hawaii for our honeymoon, because I know of many young couples who don’t have enough money to vacation anywhere farther away than Idaho. To justify our seemingly lavish vacation, I would always tell people that my fiancee has family in Hawaii, so we were going to visit them during our stay there. Without fail, people would always ask the incredibly awkward question “So are you guys staying with her family?”

And I would be forced to respond with “Um, no. It’s still our honeymoon. We got a hotel.”

“Oh, I guess that makes sense,” they would say. Then we would both stare at the ground and try not to think of the inevitable.

I thought, since Hawaii has so many tourists from all over the world, that maybe, just maybe, I could go one week without making myself look like an idiot. Boy, was I wrong.

It all started at Pearl Harbor. For those of you familiar with the historical site, you know that the highlight of Pearl Harbor is seeing the U.S.S. Arizona Memorial. The memorial is built directly over the sunken ship, which is still there in its entirety. This is a fact that was known by everybody in the world except for me.

Whenever I don’t know something, it’s usually due to the fact that I fell asleep while it was being taught. In history class in high school, when we were learning about Pearl Harbor, I fell asleep. When I was at the Pearl Harbor visitors’ center and they showed us a video about the ship, I fell asleep. So when the time came to go out into the water to see the memorial, I kept saying moronic things to my wife like, “Wow, I think I see something that looks like metal under the water! Do you think that’s part of the original ship?” and “What parts of it do you think are still left?”

Eventually, she just got fed up with my ignorance and said, “The whole ship is down there! Didn’t you watch the video?”

My extreme lack of Hawaiian knowledge was further proved as we were walking to the beach. I kept looking at all of the cars that were parked along the shore and I said to my wife, “This is crazy! I haven’t seen a single car from another state!”

She patiently responded, “That’s because we’re on an island, sweetie.”

One activity we were both really looking forward to was a mountain hike to a hidden waterfall. Hawaii is known for its vast mountain ranges, covered with beautiful vegetation and exotic wildlife. We packed some lunches, buckled our fanny packs and were ready to go. The problem is that neither my wife nor I are particularly adventurous people. We stepped out of our car, took one look at the mountain and said to each other, “Do you want to just go back the hotel?”

Sure enough, 20 minutes later, we were sitting by the side of our pool eating trail mix out of our fanny packs (which, surprisingly, complement swimsuits very well).

Just like everybody who visits Hawaii for the first time, I loved it. I’m sure when most other people come home from Hawaii, they do with a newfound desire to learn more about it. Even though it was great, I think I’ll pass. I’m sure I would just fall asleep anyway.