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Abstract Academic: Sweet, bro!

Has this ever happened to you?

You’re a girl (which I know rules out about half of you), and you’re on a date, and the guy pulls into your driveway driving a souped-up, white, lifted Ford truck. He jumps the eight feet to the pavement, kicks the dirt off his dressy Pumas and checks his hair spikes in the rear-view mirror.

The sleeves on his polo can’t make it over his biceps, but that may have more to do with the size of the shirt than the size of the muscles. Your father, sitting in his armchair, shakes his head when your date says that you “look hot in skinny jeans.”

After clambering up into the cab, you speed into the sunset (to the warm tunes of Blink 182) and make it just in time for the beginning of “Death Race 4: The Deathening,” which critics called “a greasy, script-less romp through blood-soaked streets.” After that? The batting cages (fast-pitch only), and then maybe some casual making out.

If your date went anything like this, then you, my friend, are dating a Sweet Bro.

What is a Sweet Bro, you ask?

Well, I checked the online Urban Dictionary, but their definition was more, well, for fans of casual profanity (really, I wouldn’t look it up if I were you). For those of you who are not fans of informal vulgarity (stay off the Internet!), a Sweet Bro derives his name from his favorite phrase: “Sweet, Bro!”

I’m sure you can picture one in your head right now. Sweet Bros make the rest of us guys look bad, not to mention ruining the reputation of college fraternities everywhere.

What? Are you still not sure whether or not that special someone in your life is a Sweet Bro? Well, there are subtle differences between Sweet Bros and regular, eh . . . my editors won’t print that. Let’s just say “jerks.” And they are also different from the stereotypical jocks (who are nicer), preppies (who are better-dressed) and gym rats (who are more motivated).

Check the following list, and if your point total exceeds 150, then you are officially dating a Sweet Bro.

  1. Check his hat. First off, is he wearing a hat? That’s already 10 points. Now, which direction is the hat facing? If it’s any direction but forward, that’s another 20. Is it tipped? Ten points. And if he doesn’t know what sports team the hat represents? Fifty.
  2. On your date, are you seeing an action flick (30 points)? Or, worse, is it a sequel to an action movie (120)? Are the bad guys in this movie from another country (20)? Did he even ask what you wanted to see (100)? Geez. What a creep.
  3. How often does he talk about “his guys” or “his bros” (more than three times equals 50 points)? Does he recount to you their experiences playing high-school lacrosse (20)? Does he bring any of them with him on the date (95)? Does he ask you to take a picture of them posing together in the batting cages (40)? Are they subtly flexing and not smiling in the photo (100)?
  4. How many pairs of sunglasses does he have in his truck? If it’s more than one, he’s a Sweet Bro.
  5. Does he tease “his guys” by calling them “gay” (50 points), “retarded” (50) or “homo-tastic” (180)?
  6. Has he ever taken a humanities course, or does he view them as too nonprofitable (if no, then 80 points)? If required to take an arts class, does he take something like Intro to Business Pottery (90) or Selling and Buying Fine Art (130)? Does he laugh at the idea of your women’s studies textbook (4,000 points)?
  7. Does he sell things during the summer (50)? Are these things not actually, per se, “things,” but more like, you know, “intangible services” or “the right to make more money” (300)? Has he ever made money by exploiting the poor or the elderly (push him out of the truck)?
  8. Does he play fantasy football (30 points)? Is he in more than one league (50)? More than five (1,200)? Is he a Cowboys fan (kill on sight)?
  9. Is he really into John Mayer (30 points), but not because of his music (40) and more as a sort of role model (call the police!)?
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