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Unsolicited Advice

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Editor’s Note: The source material for this column is located on the Weber State Confessions Facebook page.

Confession: I masturbate in my car in the parking lot almost every morning while you guys walk by.

I think it’s safe to assume that most responses to your confession were a sort of visceral revulsion — but that’s just ignorance.

We are currently experiencing the greatest sexual revolution since that of the ’60s, since Warhol and Woodstock. It’s about time, too.

Three-and-a-half billion years of biological evolution has made reproduction a profound neurological imperative, and how societies interact with that impulse says volumes about the architects of those societies.

Historically, the majority of the world’s most influential civilizations enacted rigid social rules about how and where and under what circumstances sexuality is allowed to be expressed — and the result is consistent: repression, which manifests in aberrant behavior.

Michel Foucault may have said it best when he remarked that sexual repression primarily drives sex to the forefront of people’s consciences.

Take Victorian Britain, perhaps the most prominent example — a society that that simultaneously devised a metal anti-masturbation codpiece while London’s streets alone were trod by at least 9,000 prostitutes (which stands to reason that it wasn’t an unprofitable profession).

Utah, in many respects, is a caricature of that same repression — returned LDS missionaries, still teenagers, marrying within months of coming home to consolidate that reproductive imperative with their religious creed.

It’s taken America 200 years to reach this century’s burgeoning sexual Renaissance, and we cannot — must not — continue to let these conditioned negative responses to the broad spectrum of sexual expression go unchecked.

I’m kidding, of course.

You’re a degenerate, and a vaguely predatory one at that. You’re like some lewd rendition of Pennywise looking through the storm grate in “It.”

You’ve all the decorum of a bonobo and even less dignity — so thank you for reminding us all of our humble evolutionary origins, you sad, deviant, horny little hobgoblin.

It’s not only lewd but illegal as well. The windows of your car don’t protect you from the repercussions of violating public decency laws.

Now please return to beneath whichever rock you slithered out from.

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