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The Bungle Years: I am a wonderful man

There are some people out there who abuse the power that they have been given. They think that just because they have an influence over people, they can use it for whatever personal gains they want. As Joe Biden would say, that is malarkey. We need more people in this world with integrity.

Take me, for example. I have integrity. I’m virtually exploding with it. I am like a nuclear power plant on the verge of an honorable and virtuous meltdown. Here I am, a columnist and blogger for The Signpost, which is widely regarded as the most respectable name in printed news. I have been trusted with the sacred duty and obligation of giving you, our beautiful readers, the enriching and purifying experience of reading an issue of The Signpost. I realize there are many ways that I could undermine this obligation, but just the thought makes me cringe.

For example, a few of my fellow marketing classmates and I are having a contest to see who can get the most Twitter followers. I realize that, if I wasn’t the high-principled man I am, I could use my column to tell people to find me on Twitter @gisaacthomas. I could also promise them that when they do, my humor-laden tweets will descend upon their feed like a griffin swooping down to nest. I could say that, but I won’t. It just wouldn’t be right.

Other people, less chivalrous than I, might also use this column to complain about their fellow schoolmates. I could, for example, complain about how the idiots who use the bathroom at Lampros Hall always destroy the toilets. Absolutely destroy them. Every time I walk into one of those stalls, I see a toilet covered in slime too disgusting to describe in an issue of the most respectable name in printed news. It makes me want to walk out into the computer lab, stand on a desk and scream, “What is wrong with all of you? Have none of you ever used toilet before? The object is to get everything INTO the bowl!” But I won’t do that. Nor will I write about it in my column. I just reek too heavily of good ethics to do such a thing.

People could ask, “Isaac, I want my children to grow up to be benevolent and of good repute just like you. How did you become such a gallant and intrepid individual?” Well, wonderful readers, I can sum up the recipe for my valor in one word: humility. How do I know that I am humble? Well, there is an old saying that goes, “It takes one to know one.” And I happen to be friends with a lot of humble people. What kind of people, you ask? How about Randy Rigby, president of the Utah Jazz? Ray-Dawg (as I call him) and I have been great friends for over a year now, and he is practically the inventor of humble pie.

Don’t believe that Randy and I are friends? Then how do you explain the picture of us hugging on my Twitter page?

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