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Words of a Poor Writer: Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful

If you haven’t heard, freelance writer Samantha Brick has come forth to confess the many downsides she faces for being so beautiful.

Not only does she have to put up with men giving her bottles of champagne or bouquets of flowers, but she also has to sometimes forgo paying her bar tab because of her “pleasing appearance and smile.”

This sounds like a pretty dreamy life, but Brick also suffers ridicule and jealousy from other women simply because she is so beautiful.

I do feel sorry for Brick. Not only is she delusional enough to think that she is too beautiful, but other people criticize her for it.

What Brick fails to realize is that it is not tall, slim blondes that the world finds attractive. No, it is petite, buxom brunettes — like me.

Yes, this is my confession: I am too beautiful for this world. In fact, I am so beautiful that all, men and women alike, revere me.

Unlike Brick, I don’t remember the last time I paid for anything. I walk into a store, and my beauty so overwhelms the employees and other shoppers that all I have to do is point, and it’s mine. I don’t even have to carry the items back to my car (people wouldn’t want me to hurt myself, after all).

I don’t just receive minimal gifts, such as cheap champagne or dull flowers. I receive whatever my heart desires. In fact, every time I go to Sea World, I receive a sea turtle (I now own 12). Last time I went, they were all out of turtles, so they gave me a baby killer whale instead. I named him Willy.

When I was younger, I used to get frustrated when it would rain because I’d have to actually walk around puddles. Now, people just drop down over the puddle so that I won’t have to ruin my shoes or take any extra steps. If no one is around, then Mother Nature takes it into her own hands and simply parts the puddles as I come.

Mother Nature has also lent a helping hand whenever I need something cleaned. Much like with Snow White, friendly woodland animals come to my house twice a week to bask in my presence and provide me a clean space to be beautiful.

Brick says that countless girlfriends who have felt threatened by her beauty have dropped her. I have never experienced this. Instead, I often have to deal with an admiring audience, constantly praising me, even cheering for me.

It can be quite taxing to be so beautiful. One time when I went to a Maroon 5 concert, a security guard approached me. At first I thought I had done something wrong, but then he whispered for me to follow him. The next thing I knew, I was up on stage, and Adam Levine was begging me to sing his next song — so much for a relaxing evening.

Although I want people to recognize me for who I am, my looks too often get in the way. Since I started college, I have not received anything below an A. I’d like to think this is because I am intelligent as well as beautiful, but after simply walking into a classroom one time and the teacher shouting “You! You get an A! Go be beautiful!” I feel it is hard for me to determine this. A group of students carried me back to my car and drove me home after this. It was highly disappointing.

I tried to wear a mask once, just to see what it was like to be normal, but the mask melted from my face and left me with a sun-kissed glow. It was an absolutely horrific burden to have to shine so much.

If you do not suffer from beauty like me, be thankful. It can be quite emotionally tiresome to be loved by so many.

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