HELP WANTED: Seeking individual for light desk work and possible execution

How would you like a government job where your only task is some light paper work? If you’re willing to potentially execute someone, Sri Lanka has a job for you.

Sri Lanka announced last week that two new executioners had been hired, replacing the previous two executioners who had quit shortly after being hired in 2013.

The job is described as “light administrative work only,” as Sri Lanka has not executed anyone since 1976, and last month, the government said it would no longer carry out capital punishment.

Source: BBC

Mother’s meth

Traditionally, the joke is that a prisoner’s family member would bake a cake with a file in it to help them break out of jail. An Oregon mother decided to take that idea to the next level earlier this year.

A 29-year-old inmate at the Multnomah County Jail was serving a four-year sentence for stealing from mailboxes when she asked her mother to smuggle in drugs. In two separate attempts, the mother stuffed prescription drugs, meth and oxycodone into tampon applicators for her daughter.

The mother plead guilty to conspiracy to supply contraband, delivery of meth and delivery of oxycodone and was sentenced to 30 days in jail.

Source: CBS 12 News

Here’s what I think of your summons

What’s the best thing to do when you receive a summons over charges of threatening to assault someone? A 45-year-old New Jersey man decided the best thing to do was to wipe his bottom with the summons and throw it back at the police officer.

According to an indictment, Joseph Greenwood took the summons, wiped it up and down between his “butt cheeks” and then threw it back at Lt. John Insabella of the Readington Police Department.

Greenwood has been indicted on a fourth-degree charge of throwing bodily fluids.

Source: myCentralJersey.com

I’ll put this fire out by driving over it. What could go wrong?

A man burning garbage in a field ended up setting his van on fire when he attempted to put out the fire by driving back and forth over it.

When the fire got out of control, the man drove his van back and forth over the flames, causing his tires to catch fire. The man fled from the van after it ignited when he realized the vehicle had a full tank of gas and was loaded with firearms ammunition.

Fire crews monitored the fire to prevent it from spreading but did not attempt to put out the van. The owner has not been cited in the incident.

Source: The Kansas City Star

Never mess with a man’s graham crackers

A hot sauce bottle was the weapon of choice for Shawn Deandre Thomas when he knocked a man unconscious who had asked for some graham crackers.

Thomas was eating graham crackers at a church that provides meals for the homeless when he became upset over the request. Thomas allegedly picked up the hot sauce bottle and threw it at the man’s head, knocking him unconscious. Thomas then punched a man in the throat after he attempted to break up the fight.

Thomas has been charged with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon and battery.

Source: NBC 6 Miami