Every morning, after a short drive to campus, my best friend and I participate in what we like to call the parking games.

I’m sure all the WSU students who do not settle for the Dee Events Center parking lot know exactly what I’m talking about. Now, I am new to this game of sorts, and this is what I have picked up of the process so far.

The minute we pull into a parking lot, we go into full-on stealth mode — slow, steady pace and sunglasses. We roll by for the first round, scoping out available spots. When there are no available spots, which is most of the time, we decide on a place to wait.

Now, with any sport, there are rules. There are at least three cars waiting for people to walk into the parking lot, usually one per row of parked cars, waiting like cops on a stakeout.
When someone does come into the parking lot and start walking toward their car, depending on where you are waiting, you are then allowed to creep behind this person in your car to wherever their car is parked. This sounds intense, but most people are familiar with the parking game and do not take you as a threat. Some people will even give you the head nod toward where their car is. Once you’ve started creeping, no other car can creep with you, or, at least, that is how most people play.

With this creeping comes a little bit of a gamble, because, at times, people will use the parking lots as mere walkways to get to somewhere else. So you want to look for signs of someone who is going to be heading to a car. Keys in hand is always a guarantee. Knowing the signs will help you not fall for the decoy person and be led right out of the parking lot, allowing other opponent cars to swoop in to creep someone else.

Every once in a while, your person will be intercepted because they walked down one lane of cars and then cut through to the other lane, where an opponent is waiting. This is still considered a legal play, and should be accepted as a loss.

Because most of the rules of the parking game are unspoken, they are often broken. This is where parking games can get a little extreme. If you want to know how people respond under pressure, or if they are marriage material, make them play the parking game against someone who does not adhere to the rules. Wait and see how they respond when they follow a person to their car and sit with their blinker on, which is a indicator that you will be obtaining that parking spot, and someone else rolls up and takes it out from underneath you.

When this happens, the kraken is released in people, and they say every word they promised their mother they would never utter. The most unholy of rage and spells are spoken upon the person who ignored the pleasantries of parking.

High rollers of the parking game park in the pay lot, because there is more pressure to find a parking spot if you have already drawn yourself a ticket — even though you obtained that ticket when the sign indicating the lot is full was illuminated. This is the parking game’s gladiator level. The most ruthless of parking game players play in the pay lot.

There is no news in the statement of Weber having terrible parking. However, I think we are not utilizing this parking game to the fullest of our abilities. We should obviously start a television series. We could then sell it to the A&E network, and they could rename it “Parking Wars.” I mean, if you add some dramatic music, you’ve got yourself a primetime television show, and perhaps people would stop complaining about it.