Viewpoint: Ridiculous dressing room demands

The Grammy Awards are this weekend, people. Better get those bowls of M&Ms ready (and get rid of all the brown ones, or Van Halen won’t play!).

Seriously, celebrities are known to be picky and demanding when they’re backstage, and musicians tend to lead the pack of craziness. Many performers send a list of demands ahead of them to each venue they play, and if those demands aren’t met, then there’s no show. Entertainment news sites like The Smoking Gun and Business Insider keep tabs on many of these leaked celebrity documents, just to let us poor, sad common folk have a peek into the dressing rooms filled with organic fruit, cases of very specific bottled-water brands, designer (non-leather!) couches and coffee flown in daily from L.A. — thank you, Britney Spears — no matter where the show is.

Therefore, in honor of this weekend’s celebration for our pampered stars and the things they “need,” here are some notorious offenders and their ultimatums (with help from the aforementioned celebrity websites):

Mariah Carey. The modern-day diva extraordinaire’s list of demands (e.g., Fiji water, three bottles of chardonnay) is not as odd as it is long. She also requires warm fried chicken, a three-seat couch (“plain color, no busy patterns”), four Joe Malone vanilla candles and sugarless gum. The entry door should open into the living-room space, not the dressing room (apparently, major dressing rooms are larger than most apartments); the room should remain 75 degrees, and each room must be draped (but “black drapes are fine”).

Eminem. The Detroit rapper’s list is a little juvenile. Aside from the ritzier “large, fresh jumbo shrimps” and “jar of banana pepper rings,” he needs one loaf of white bread, 22 cans of Red Bull and six Lunchables snacks — three turkey and three ham-and-cheese — on top of some 25-pound dumbbells.

Blake Shelton. It’s just as country as you’d expect it to be: barbecue Lay’s, beef jerky, and a case each of Bud Light and Miller Lite.

Lady Gaga. If there aren’t two bottles of green tea, a container of guacamole, a plate of cheese (non-smelly, no-sweaty on ice), a mix of assorted fresh fruit (cut with edible skin) and veggie hot dogs with toothpicks in Gaga’s dressing room, along with an entire smoothie station, she gets on the edge, the edge, the edge.

Taylor Swift. If Ms. Swift’s tour bus is arriving before 11 a.m., then a grande ICED caramel latte with two Sweet’N Lows and a grande ICED American with two Sweet’N Lows and soy milk need to be delivered to her from Starbucks (plus a slice of pumpkin loaf). Her regular list also includes a stick of butter, three boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, Red Bull, Coronas, New Castles, Welch’s grape juice, one avocado, a bag of Twizzlers, a case of Smart Water, and (for when she’s in between boyfriends) a pint each of Ben & Jerry’s chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and chocolate brownie frozen yogurt.

Justin Bieber. The Bieber may actually be as laid-back as he appears to be, at least in comparison to other stars. He only asks for Swedish Fish, an XS T-shirt and some soda, plus an ironing board and steam inhaler.

Rihanna. Her list is specific, including “icy-blue chiffon” drapes, an animal-print throw rug, six Archipelago Black Forest candles and four small, clear vases with white tulips and no foliage.

Kanye West. Among many other things (mostly alcohol), Mr. West requires a barber’s chair.

Adele. To keep that smoky sound, the singer requires a pack of Marlboro lights, and bans any organic honey.

Beyonce. Along with the usual candles, drinks and flowers, Beyonce can only have Pepsi products, and needs “juicy baked chicken . . . HEAVILY SEASONED” with cayenne pepper.

Sir Paul McCartney. No animal products, please. And that includes any animal-print patterns (sorry, Rihanna, but no sharing dressing rooms with this Beatle).

James Taylor. His list bears including for how simple it is: Kleenex, Neutrogena, a copy of the New York Times and some clean towels. Thank you, Sweet Baby James, for giving us a little faith in our celebrities.