Abstract Academic: Lip gloss and shaggy hair

I am in need of a haircut. Hopefully, I’ll have one by the time you’re reading this column. But my hair is getting a little shaggy at the edges, and, being a three-day weekend, I haven’t shaved as dutifully as I may have otherwise.

“You know, honey,” I say to my wife as we’re getting ready in the morning, “maybe I’ll let the hair grow out this time. What do you think?”

“I think,” my wife says, a little too quickly, “that long hair on guys looks silly, and they just grow it out for each other.”

My wife is a very smart person. She saves me from doing ridiculous things, like growing a goatee (my facial hair is about as thick as the trees between Rock Springs and Casper), wearing a Utah Jazz jersey without sleeves, taking a summer off to be a ranch hand and, once again, growing a goatee (I cannot stress, in hindsight, how bad an idea that was).

And she was right here, too. Long hair is just another one of those things that guys do to impress girls that doesn’t actually impress girls but just impresses other guys (did you follow that?). Shaggy hair just makes guys look like child movie stars, except child movie stars that have been living out of a boxcar for a few months. Think Corey Feldman.

Now, I know that this is just gender stereotyping, but let’s remember, I have the column, and you don’t, so that makes me right. Therefore, here are some other things guys really do for other guys:

Get in fights. Competing for a woman’s affections? Just punch another guy out! As long as she has gumdrops for brains, she’ll swoon right into your burly, barbwire-tattooed arms.

Make fun of each other. My brothers and I think an evening is ruined if it doesn’t include several personal insults and maybe a few noogies. We think we’re very clever and entertaining to be around. My wife thinks we’re morons.

Purchase giant, white trucks and soup them up. Girls love a sweet set of rims.

Talk about how much they can squat. The first time I heard about squatting, I thought it was something obscene. I wish it were. It would be more interesting.

Sell things over the summer. So that they can buy that giant, white truck and maybe some Dane Cook comedy albums (also a draw-in with the ladies).

Now, if you’re a girl reading this, and you think guys are alone in this behavior, you are sadly mistaken. In fact, they may be just as big offenders as guys. Girls . . .

Go tanning. I have never wanted to date an Irish setter, nor would I want to date someone who resembles one.

Watch SportsCenter. I know, I know, there are plenty of girl athletes out there. I don’t mean them. I mean the ones who think that yelling out “yeah for touchdowns!” and saying how much they love Tom Brady makes them sports fans.

Order half-salads. At least get the bacon bits.

Plan intensely detailed weddings. It’s funny how much a ceremony that’s supposed to be about two people’s undying love is really about what table settings the friends of the bride’s mother would like the best.

Wear lip gloss. “Hey, look at that hot chick. Do you see how shiny her lips are? I bet she could guide in commercial aircraft with the glare off those babies.”

And so on. Join me next week, when I discuss things that both genders do that are ridiculous. For example, wear trucker hats and pretend to talk like Gollum.