Abstract Academic: The QuikTeach Inc. Pro-Fessor Plus!

Do you love learning, but hate school? Are you tired of professors that grind on and on about the weather, proper reference formats and dead French kings named Louis? Are you sick of sitting through Dr. Misanthropic’s narrations of PowerPoint presentations that he could have just attached to an e-mail?

Don’t worry! We at the QuikTeach labs are excited to offer you this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, guaranteed to take the aggravation out of that education. Try our new QuikTeach Inc. Pro-Fessor™ Plus robot teacher! That’s right: the QuikTeach Inc. Pro-Fessor™ Plus!

Crafted by a team of German engineers, the Pro-Fessor™ Plus blends new-age technology with plenty of extra-credit opportunities to make your classroom experience a happy one.

Regular professors wear through those cardigan-elbow patches by Week 6 (ouch!), put more value in MLA formatting than original content (outdated!), and expect you to laugh heartily at the same four stories they tell over and over (boring!). And if you’re not one of their favorites? That’s up to two full letter grades lower at the end of the semester (yuck!). Who wants that?

The Pro-Fessor™ Plus puts the “bye” in “bias” and the “retiring” in “uninteresting” (don’t look at that one too closely). It doesn’t have favorites, because it impartially views all students as carbon-based life forms with varying levels of hygiene, and doesn’t respond to raucous pity laughter or blatantly obvious flirting from that girl who sits in the second row (that’s right . . . you know who you are).

Does your professor spend most of the time telling stories about his or her dog, then complain and kvetch at the end of the semester because you haven’t covered all the material? Does he/she pile on the assignments in the last two weeks? Does he/she give homework on the first day of class?

Not the Pro-Fessor™ Plus! It utilizes our patented Sympathet-o-matic Stress-Detecting technology to recognize what limits a student with three part-time jobs and 20 credit hours actually has, and chooses not to have a five-page essay due the same day as the final exam.

It slices! It dices! It doesn’t care how many exclamation points are in this creative essay!

Does your professor show up 15 minutes late to class, but still grade for attendance? With the Pro-Fessor™ Plus, you’ll never have to worry about missing another group presentation, because it just plugs into the closet at the end of the school day. It’s always there, charged and ready with an engaging lecture and a lenient red grading pen.

Is your classroom perpetually sitting at a balmy, sleepy 102 degrees? Were you up until 3 a.m. creating a poster for your communications class? Not to worry. The Pro-Fessor™ Plus comes with a built-in Sleeper Siren and Diet Coke dispenser to keep you focused.

For just $39.99, you get our QuikTeach Inc. Pro-Fessor™ Plus robot teacher, with free shipping and handling. If you don’t like it, we’ll refund your tuition, no questions asked. If it didn’t work, could we afford this deal?

But wait! There’s more! Call now, and we’ll throw in our custom QuikTeach Inc. Syllabus Shredder! It recognizes any syllabus created before the Clinton administration and immediately tears it to shreds, forcing your other professors to remain current with topics like “Justin Bieber” and “the Internet.”

And if you call now, we’ll double our offer! That’s right. For one low, low price of $39.99, we’ll send you two Pro-Fessor™ Plus robot teachers, two Syllabus Shredders, and one free subscription to Please Don’t Punish This Columnist if You Are His Professor Because He is Only Joking monthly.